Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
