It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
