Are we in a gay sports bar?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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