Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
