Just fell off a train. Bad.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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