My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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