The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
