I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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