His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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