Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
