I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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