Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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