Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize