The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
