I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also, beer. Big fan.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize