Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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