I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
