Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
