I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
soo... how was my night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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