Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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