I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
