so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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