I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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