Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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