No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
