I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so that wasnt chicken after all
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
