He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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