come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
