dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
