I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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