and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's never too late to be topless.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
