so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
