Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
