Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
