i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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