toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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