Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
