I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize