im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
we should paint friendship bongs
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
