take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
