If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
