hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
