A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
