dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
