why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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