I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
