sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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