my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
