I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
