Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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