How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
