my vag is so smooth its legendary
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
