dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
