bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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