I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Drunk is not a location!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize