I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
