how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
