He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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