I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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