Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
