Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
