we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
