I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
