i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
