I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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