Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
