he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize