omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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