A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize