Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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