I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize