Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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