im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
