capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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