Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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