shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
