my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
