So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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