Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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