and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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